The claws are clawing back

My sister was admitted today. It’s a good thing. She needed it. It’s a harsh reality to face though. And I’m dealing with it by writing, reaching out to people who can help me, and wanting to opt open my 3rd beer. Where is the line? Where do the claws begin and end?
they call it AUD now. WTF? I first thought. Alcohol Use Disorder. I’m looking at the plethora of articles I’ve read tonight to try to deal with this thinking through the lens of my sister. Sadly, she checks the box on ALL the AUD "symptoms".

  1. Drinking more, or for a longer period of time, than originally intended
  2. Attempting to cut down or stop drinking, but being unable to stop
  3. Spending a lot of time-consuming alcohol or feeling sick after drinking too much
  4. Experiencing an intense craving, urge, or drive to consume alcohol
  5. Continued drinking although it causes problems with friends or family
  6. Giving up hobbies or social activities that were once fun, specifically to drink more
  8. Experiencing depression, anxiety, memory trouble, or blackouts, but continuing to consume alcohol anyway
  9. Developing a tolerance to alcohol, or needing to drink more alcohol to achieve the original effects
  10. Problems at work or school, including failing grades or job loss, because of alcohol consumption or being sick from drinking too much
  11. Withdrawal symptoms when not drinking, including shaking, insomnia, restlessness, nausea, sweating, or sensed things that were not there (hallucinations)

How many of these do I fall into as well (as I open the 3rd beer on an empty stomach. citradellic IPa. spicy atomic pumpkin ale. sparkling lime lager.) Oh how i will miss you.

  1. Drinking more, or for a longer period of time, than originally intended- I am actually pretty good at self discipline. I’ve always been good at No drink January. And Slightly Sober September. I’ve been slipping a bit lately with having 3 beers instead of 2. but I am actually pretty good at stopping. why/
  2. Attempting to cut down or stop drinking, but being unable to stop. i can stop.
  3. Spending a lot of time-consuming alcohol or feeling sick after drinking too much. I hate when I puke. Happens seldomly now. I puked last from alcohol this spring.
  4. Experiencing an intense craving, urge, or drive to consume alcohol. I always want to have a beer. I find excuses for it. I would not consider it "intense"/ Friday after 5 days of not having a beverage is more intense because i sphyscholoigically believe "I deserve it.’ But if alcohol is not in the house. I will not drive to the liquor store to get more beer. And there is campari, and tequila, and vodka in the cabinet and i’ve thought about making concoctions but never actually done it.
  5. Continued drinking although it causes problems with friends or family. Yes. This could be a long paragraph. I love Ryan. I think he is my savior in all this.
  6. Giving up hobbies or social activities that were once fun, specifically to drink more. I don’t really think this applies to me.
  7. Putting oneself at risk of being harmed more than once because of drinking, including driving drunk… NEVER! this is also what alarmed me and mikie so much about my sister having a major problem. You do not drink and drive. PERIOD.
  8. Experiencing depression, anxiety, memory trouble, or blackouts, but continuing to consume alcohol anyway. usually if i get to this point i stop.
  9. Developing a tolerance to alcohol, or needing to drink more alcohol to achieve the original effects. Slightly.
  10. Problems at work or school, including failing grades or job loss, because of alcohol consumption or being sick from drinking too much. My boss Kris who I loved so much at Smith Bucklin did confront me about taking too many "hangover" days, which she had a right to do, but this was out of concern for me and did not interfere with my job performance. I cannot believe my parents have played down the fact that my sister has already had 1 DUI AND LOST HER JOB!!!! and her nursing license because of alcohol. This was LAST OCTOBER. They have been sheltering her. I do blame them a little bit.ANd they wouldn’t tell me. Arg. Fuck them.
  11. Withdrawal symptoms when not drinking, including shaking, insomnia, restlessness, nausea, sweating, or sensed things that were not there (hallucinations). I’ve maybe had the sweats but nothing serious. poor buggy. She actually had a full blown seizure. Fuck. That sucks.


What to do now? This is a weird situation.Nobody died. My brother asked if Katie is suicidal, given our family history, and probably both of our own tight rope walk with this thought.

I also visited Barry today. It was actually cathartic to see him because all my anger against him was released. it just showcases the human need for physical interaction. Over the screen does not work. If ryan and I move to cananada i will need a lot of visitors. But seeing Barry was really good even though he looks skinny and old and is growing a hilarious sons of anarchy gotee!1 HA!!! that made me laugh so hard when we were texting about it earlier. But he self admitted to a psychiatric ward in denver on Sept 12th? He said it was the hardest but most interesting week of his life. Like the movies.
I talked to my sister today.
she seemed nonchalant. "Relieved" was the word she actually used. She said she was trying to detox on her own but it was hard and the drugs she was on were actually making her feel a lot better.

What worries me is that she could not admit she was an alchochilc before she went to the AA meeting on Thursday to me on the phone. And she went on a little bender after that meeting. I can envision my life without alcohol. I would give it up for her. I would give it up for Ryan. yet i am hypocritical because i amdirnking right now for me.
It feels good. Not gonna lie. More creative. That endorphin flow is so sexy.
I cannot achieve this feeling any other way.
Sure, I wake up too late feeling shitty and i know if i drank kombucha or even sugar filled juice instead i would wake up better but right now i feel good.
Its hard to explain.
Does it feel this way for everyone?
Is this the feeling everyone always chases? It is so simple. Just sooooo…ahhhh. i don’t even know how to explain it. Its kinda like i am on a happy fluffy cloud just ahhh in the mist relaxing and flowing. In the flow. People talk about being in the creative flow and that is for me right now.
I fucking love righting on a beverage or two. It just comes out without any judgments.
But what I ponder about is that when i was in cambodia or thailand or bali or blogging and witting on my computer all the time… i was NOT drunk. at all. I was just in this flow.
i look back and read my writing at that time and it was brilliant, pure, unobstructed.
How is it that i am in the daily grind and cannot get to this point without having 3 new Belgium beers.
I actually feel pretty free right now.
And i do not have an urge to have another.
I have the feeling and i am coming off of it and what had been accomplished had been accomplished in wiring.
I will drink tea from this point on in the night and I will make dinner.
I feel iffy about my students.
I was supposed to teach SUSBIZ class tonight but did not for the 2nd week in a row.
We will see how CMC deals with it. I care about it, but i do not. Should i?

And ryan is so cooped up in work. i think there are massive changes ahead for him and us. I do believe we will end up build a beaulfitufl earth ship in Canada. But he has A LOT A LOT A LOT to let go of first.

oh, and lisa is coming to live with us until thanksgiving? Thats good to be there for your siblings. I am joking with work colleagues that we (Ryan and I) just need to build a "sister wing" for our fucked up sisters. Jesus. what happened to Katie Bug?
Ilya- love- heartbreak- happened to Katie bug and she never faced it. She never got over it. And for a decade she has been fucking (literally) and drinking her way through this challenge.
I want to feel badly for her and I want to shake her.
I’ve gotten over some real fierce love and breakups but i at least cut the significant other out of my life for a period of time so i could move on! I mean totally. no phone, blocked on social media. created my own personal texting notes to text them if i needed. How couldn’t she do this? where did i fail her in helping her? I HATE. FuCKING HATE JOE. I feel like she was at a vulnerable state when i was in that relationship and could have prevented it. Yet, she was also in a vulnerable state when I was dating Will, For her 24th birthday, her golden birthday, i took her to that famous italian restaurant downtown and we had martinis. that’s when everything with ilya was going down, So its actually only been 8 years. But that still s a lot. They dated for a 1/4th of her life and she had been trying to get over it for a 1/4th more.

the timeline is screwy to me.

How do i measure how long i was in chicago?
2007
I turned 21 in PARIS at footsie bar with Kt nick. Melissa. Paul. Abbey. My parents. It was EXTRAORDINARY. And also had a tour of gabrielle chanel’s apt.
2008
that’s right- my friends gave me a "21st" bday party when I turned 22 at IU And I had just started dating luke.
Graduated from IU 5.3.08
Moved to Cali in july 7.08
Lived in cali for 7 months?
Moved to Bloomington.
2009
i think i was in Btown by my 23rd bday. Thats when i moved back and luke and ashley h tinker wine glasses and it broke.
I lived in Btown for a year.
I remember walking down wells street in december- thinking this new year will be amazing because I was moving to chicago in with katie nick.
2010
So i am pretty sure my 24th bday was in chicago.
i met Will that june when the hawks won the stanley cup.
2011
i wore that horrible purple and silver one sleeve dress for my 25th bday at the karaoke bar. i wanted will to propose. All my college friends were getting married at that point.BUggy was there.
2012
my 26th birthday was when whitney houston died. We sang whitney ALL NIGHT LONG with Meggie and will at their beach house. It was an amazing birthday.
That halloween when i was 26 was when will finally moved from hammond to chicago and buggy came as a sexy tiger. So she was 24 at that point. Just had broken up with Ilya. I think she was just moved to chicago. And she slept with ryno. Will’s best friend and roomate. i was so disappointed but i think she was sleeping with a lot of different guys at that point. ick. Ah! I should have helped her then but it seemed so awful to trivialize her as a slut when she was in so much pain. I was really mad at Ryno. I wish i could talk to him.
2013
my 27th bday i was single. I had just broken up with Will. KT bug came down. I was living with Molly. buggy gave me the beautiful black purple and white green gardenia blouse that i still wear.
i met fucking joe that summer. At age 27 in june after the stanley cup.
I think that’s when buggy really took a turn for the worst and i was not there for her. So she had been in chicago a year and was turning 25.
2014
My 28th birthday i have no recollection of. I was in the middle of breaking up with Joe. Going back and forth on us traveling the world together. Gross.
That summer we broke up. So what year was that. ? 2014.
I left for thailand in 2014 🙂 This timeline is correct.
2015
For 29 i was home in MKE. Molly, Sarah, buggy and the girls from MKE came to celebrate with me. I left for cambodia the next day practically.
2016
30 was in grad school with Ryan. I do not really remember my 30th bday? Finding pictures to remember. did i go home?

Zero pictures of my 30th bday. Right before that there were cute pics of ryan and i celebrating the Broncos Super Bowl catastophe and right after that there are skiing pictures. huh.

2017
31- gotta picture check again. Again nothing special. This is when I was going through a hard time and I think i started my citalopram meds.
Before that, i had the cool native american dinner and DU cooking. After that, Dil got a horribly dooufy haircut. No memories though.

2018- 32…
no pics from Feb. 11th. Feb 10th was Jessie Burely from HC3’s baby shower.

2019- 33
i had just started working at BOEC. went to Turkuaz concert. it was awesome. no pics of me and ryan on Feb 11th.

2020- 34
Sadie had just visited and it was snowpocolyse. Covid was just starting to set in. I went for beautiful walk around saphire point with me and Dil.

This is a good heads up that I need to be better about celebrating my birthday and make ryan better too!

Time for tea. And dinner.

"You will never truly know yourself or the strength of your relationships until both have been tested by adversity." JK Rowling