rocked. riled. rallied.

Grad school has rocked me deeply.
Deeply.
Meaning evil personalities in me I’ve never felt before are oozing to the surface like boiling, seething lava and
I
am
going
to
erupt.
Boom.

Or implode.
Sometimes I’m so tired only Kaladi Brothers coffee coffee coffee can keep me going.
So tired.
Like don’t talk to me tired.
So tired that, my dog, my fluffy duffus Dilly pup, cannot even make me smile.
And then I just burst into tears spiraling dark molten thoughts of me being a horrible puppy mother because I am dedicating way more time than needed on papers that only one professor will glance at.
Depressing thought.
So tired.
My papers right now will not change the world.
Deflating.
Melting.
I need to be thought provoking, cynical, world changing with the words I type and the reading examples I conjure when all I really want to do is pet my dog. And drink more wine.
And laugh with my friends.
And not feel cognitive dissonance for every little thing.
Every little thing. I cannot drop thoughts of economy, and sustainability, and marginalized populations in anything I do….
Arrrrrg. Its all soon completely frustrating and I feel like nobody understands.
And I just want to laugh with my friends.
But I don’t even have time for my friends.
Sigh.
Feelings of sorrow for myself.
Tears.
And more wine please.
And yoga.
And yoga.
And yoga, thats so sad too.
Boohoo. I have not even had time for yoga lately and that is a travesty. Travesty people.
And I am so happy after yoga class.
Today after teaching I was leaping with glee across the hard word floors in the open studio and I was startled because I have forgotten what exuberance felt like.
Oh it was glorious.
And then I laugh/cried at how ironic it would be to invest $120K in a graduate program that pushes me to cliffs of extreme misery,
and I end up a yoga instructor.
Laugh. Ha. Ha. Sob.
Might happen…..
Oh goodness spriralng, more lava oozing, rumbling, what am I doing with my life?
Why did I come to grad school again?
Why do I pay to learn about how horrible the world is?
And sit next to know it alls who can spew answers of eloquence as if angels were dancing on their tongue.
When I open my mouth in class its like the devil is laughing and gleefully swimming in my word vomit.

I have to tell myself this someday will be worth it.
I have to have faith that I will change the world.
Not just this minute, but someday.
And it may be because I’m a freaking awesome yoga instructor.
And it may be because I help to solve global food waste problems with localized waste solutions.
And it may all relate in retrospect of all that I learned in grad school.
Imagine that!
And I’ll go to work 9-5 every day. And have a family. And I’ll be able to pet Dil and watch him chase the chickens. And then Ryan and I will go exploring in our mountain town. And ski. And be carefree, And I’ll work and play and focus on just making this earth a better earth for my kids to grow up.
Someday.
Daydream.
Ohhhhh, positive thoughts.
Different type of glowing happy bubbly pretty lava.

Frown.
But in everything I read.
We are doomed.
Doomed.
The world is a horrendous place.
I am riled.
Humans take advantage of each other everywhere.
And I have learned this in person traveling the world and simply walking through campus.
And reading peer reviewed journal after journal of catastrophic, hopeless, sometimes complicated and recalcitrant obsession over focused topics I only have time to skim.
Grrrrr. Erupting.
My gut sinks when I admit that in a deep dark way grad school has made me completely ashamed to be human. So ashamed, so dark, so inescapble that sometimes I think I need help.
Or medication.
Or sleep.
Or fun…what’s that?
What. is. that?
I have forgotten how to be fun and hold a normal conversation that does not require a masters degree to understand...
Because in grad school I do not have a life.
At least I am so busy trying not to drown in all that grad school entails that I feel like I do not have a life.
And when I do participate in real life things with those real life friends I have, I assume by their concerned eyebrows that they want to tell me I have changed and I am negative and boring.
And I feel like I just bring everyone down with me.
Tears.
And they don’t understand. And I don’t understand.
And I need more grad school friends who can relate, but none of us have time for each other and it all.
Where did the happy go lucky, intelligent, confident woman I used to be go?
Who am I now?
Does anyone feel like this?
Does anyone understand?
I.D.E.N.T.I.T.Y C.R.I.S.I.S
Panic attack.
Spiral.
Oooze.
More lava.
Mehhhhhh.
Breathe.
Pause.

Smile.
The world is also a wonderful place.
And this stage of grad school we are in is temporary.
24 weeks left.
It may seem like a crazy big deal right now all the work we have to do.
And the interning.
And the working.
And the reading. reading. reading.
Blahahhhhhhh!
But this wisdom is shaping us into the individuals who will influence our peers. Reconnect with those friends.
And turns out that molten oozing stress we know of lava now may make this world an even better, more beautiful place than it is now.
You gotta believe that.
And you have to have faith that this academia theory somehow will shape us into incredible, fearless, thoughtful doers.
Who will make real differences.
To those who want or need our help. And maybe some who don’t. And most importantly to ourselves.
We will make a difference to ourselves.
No one can take away what we are learning.
We are the soul shakers, earth quakers, climate change mitigaters, sustainability strategists, global health activists,
security fighters,
freedom lighters,
democratic igniters.

We got this!
Smile.
Read.
Sleep.
Breathe.
Believe in yourself.

Now go do your homework.
And change the world.