Dad, can you heAR ME? OR IS IT EASIER TO NOT LISTEN?
This embarrassing email I sent to my dad and Ryan together after drinking 6 glasses of bota box cab will forever be a reminder to me not to abuse alcohol anymore.
I am ashamed to post. This was mean Hallie who emerges when drunk. I never want to be her again.
................
Hey Dad,
YOU ARE my fATHER. And I am forever, eternally, blessed and grateful for that.
I write to you today because Ryan and I got into a BIG fight this weekend. But it provided me (after 48 hours of discussion) some clarity that I would like to share with you.
1) I love Ryan and do believe he is my best partner in life that both loves me deeply and sweetly and challenges me to be a better individual
2) Sometimes, my crazies come out. And I default to you taking care of me. Which is an attribute to you to the type of father, family man, and the financially sound individual you are...That's more than the trifecta of success.
I'm 34 years old (more than a third of a centenarian) and I should be able to take care of myself by now...and I am. I think you have raised me stronger than defaulting on you. And Ryan also challenges me to the same question. He supports me and loves me and LISTENS to me and reasons with me and I hope, when he finally summons the courage, to asking you for my hand in marriage, that you say yes.
Does Ryan work a lot... yeah.
More than I ever noticed you working. So thank you.
Ryan works non-stop.
At least that's what it feels like to my dramatic self and I've made that very clear to Ryan that that is not necessarily ok. He promises me he is working towards "our" future, but I have trust issues.
Is it wrong that we have not gone on an independent vacation together in five years?
Probably.
In my opinion, yes, with disdain.
Because traveling is an extremely important aspect of who I am and I can afford to take me and Ryan on a trip yet he will not invest the time off to go because he may miss out on work opportunities.
But...
He won't invest the time
And he does not have a valid passport
And for that, I go apeshit.
Seriously, I let it all boil up inside me for about 3 months and then it explodes and hell breaks loose and I declare I would be better off without him an his work stress.
Which is actually partially true.
That would be the easiest way out.
I could ask you to buy me a condo for $233K and you could put the downpayment on it and i could go through all the financial stress of reallocating my 401k to the first time buyer loan, which you know as your first child, you can be assured that I have researched. I can redistribute up to $10K tax-free towards first home buyer credit and not pay any taxes. And there are a whole lot of brokerage accounts and other redistributions I could figure out. My total net worth is $54K in my "retirement" accounts which I am proud of and saved and invested well in for a 35-year-old single girl who has traveled the world and has a master's degree.
But then.
Oh yeah.
I have a MA in International Development Global health and sustainbility from the Denver Untivesrity Josef Korbel School of international development which cost me $143K in 2 years.
And I'm in like the worst federal loan forgiveness loan program ever.
Oh but wait- that the ONLY FEDERAL- federal student loan forgiveness program that is tax-free and traceable.
AND if anyone doubts me or my ability to follow through with the promises to have forgiven the $120K I have accrued and the interest and the taxes after I have honestly paid 120 consecutive payments towards this program I have been promised, I will hire a lawyer. Because I am smart enough to understand compounding interest rates.
I am smart enough to trust the federal loan student forgiveness program that I am in the 1% and checking all boxes and filing all forms so that I, at a risk against my own personal investments pay $300 towards my loans yet accrue more than $400 dollars a month in interest.
I see how everyone is against this bill... because most people are not as responsible as me and most people understand basic math. (i hope).
Anyway.
It is confirmed that Ryan does not ever have to take on my student debt because we met and got married well after I made the decision to take on my debt. I have been reassuring HIM of this fact the entire time we have been dating.
Second... you do not have to take on my student debt. I have it under control.
Sooooo.
This whole long email is to reassure you that I am pretty much financially independent.
Ryan has voiced to me that he wants to be able to take care of me and I kind of fight back at him saying I can pull my weight and I can help you with half the mortgage.
But this is an expensive place to live.
If we want to buy a house... we need at least a $300K downpayment. I know it is ridiculous but even the red hot terds to redo in summit County are $500k minimum.
So this is where you can come in.
I have $54k ready to contribute in my savings and a first time home buyers distribution from a 401k loan.
Ryan has $119 K straight he would require out of selling our condo for what the bought it at... $248K.
But we could probably sell it for $315K minimum in this market.
As long as the dow doesn't crash 1000 pts per day like it did today we should be ok.
And he has another $75K cash to invest in a downpayment.
So, by simple math...
If we had $54+$119K+$73K to invest in a $600K for sale shit single home...which is all we got to gamble with in mmit county....
blah.blah.blah.....
Ok, the real reason I was writing this long email was to say shut up, and please start listening. Sometimes I wonder if you "hearing problem" is not really a hearing problem at all but an ego trip. Are you ready to hear AND listen to people again? It's very nice to have lived a wonderful life and be blessed with the ability to tell it... but how much are you missing out on not being able to experience other people's stories? What little meaningful details can you report in on based on what other people have entrusted in you but you simply could not hear it, and/or even worse could not take the time to listen to?
You do have a hearing problem.
And a listening problem because for at least two years now I have been harping on you to get hearing aids so you had no excuse to listen to the world.
What is your excuse now?
Love you lots.
And I hope to HEAR from you soon...
Hallie
Hallie Jaeger
Development Manager, BOEC
Adjunct Faculty Sustainability, CMC
